When You Love a Man With Low Self-Esteem – 9 Things to Keep in Mind (by Paul Graves)
So you love a guy with low self-esteem. Sucks to be you. I’m saying that as a dude who used to hate himself. Who still kind of does. I know the crap you deal with. He must drive you nuts.
I was in a relationship with an angel, let’s call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. But I hated myself even more. Long story short – I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won’t mention.
Low self-esteem is easy to explain yet hard to understand for some. It’s feeling shameful about who you are. Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel ‘different’. Damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don’t love yourself. Your man may never admit it outright – but he wishes he were someone else.
Alas, there’s no return policy in life. We’re stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity – it gets us nowhere. But here’s the rub:
When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he’ll make mistakes. Big mistakes. My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, irresponsible sex, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn’t stand my own company. Maybe your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn’t. But my feelings aren’t unique.
The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt. And then more mistakes made running away from those feelings. The cycle continues. This leads to what I like to call the 9th dimension of shame. The hole can get so deep. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.
Your man’s low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or try to prove themselves at work. It’s troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem. And it’s f*cking heartbreaking.
If you love him, he will need you to get through it. You may be able to show him the light. Don’t give up on him, he needs you. Many times it will be confusing, and he may hurt you without wanting to. (Trust me, he doesn’t want to hurt you. He hurts enough just being himself.)
Here are some important things to remember: a cheat sheet to get you through tough times. And maybe to help him see the truth of his ways.
He loves you so much, but hates himself even more.
He’s lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can’t shake. But like I said above, he may not even realize it. He’s not trying to mess with your head. He’s not unreachable. However he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you say ‘I love you’, he probably thinks: ‘Why would you? You can’t. You’re wrong’.
He yearns to love himself, and the struggle to do that can ruin your relationship. This should be a good thing, right? Not all men act out this feeling in healthy ways. It will be hard but think about their perspective. If they don’t love themselves maybe you can do something to help them. If you love him, do what you can to help his HEART. Buy him books on spirituality, ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.
A book I recommend is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was a wake-up call, and helped launch my wild journey of transformation. Don’t let the title fool you, it’s a book about shame, self-worth and learning to accept yourself. It’s a powerful starting point, buy it now.
He may seek attention outside the relationship, or activities without you.
This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.
Maybe he likes attention from others, flirtation and come-hither looks. I hope you haven’t caught him on dating sites or apps. That was another thing I would do – I craved the attention so much. Maybe he also yearns for people to tell him how cool he is, how great he dresses, or what a sweet job he has. Point is, he’s just crazy for attention.
He seeks attention and approval from other people – but what about you? Self-esteem is a real b*tch. He thinks that he has to either prove to himself that he’s worthy, or look for evidence of it anywhere he can. ‘If other people tell me I’m great, then that must mean I’m great.’
It may be common sense to you – that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn’t the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you’re guilty until proven innocent. He’s shameful at the core of his being. His soul appears blackened, damaged and irreparable. He craves escapes from reality.
Try to talk with him about this. ‘I think you act like this because you like how it makes you feel, right? Why do you need to feel this way? Can’t you just be yourself, how you feel now?’ ‘Why aren’t I enough?’ ‘Do you need help learning to love yourself?’
If your man can’t handle this conversation, consider moving on. He’s not ready. It must be him who makes the changes necessary to heal. It is NEVER on your shoulders to do this for him.
He believes he must have ‘got lucky’. He feels unworthy of you.
At first he cherished you. You were his prize. He held you close, showed you off to the world. It was intoxicating and intense. But soon, he knew he ‘had you’ and started looking around. The high that you and the new relationship gave him faded. The drug wore off, so he’s seeking fresh supply. He needs more intense intoxicating experiences to feel okay about himself.
I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn’t believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was, beyond the shit-storm that was my life. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn’t buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.
I thought I’d got lucky, that I’d fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that I could be worthy of someone amazing. Does that sound stupid or what? I wanted to be able to ‘earn someone’ who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.
Remember that this isn’t about you – this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn’t just ‘get lucky’ when he landed you. Don’t let him feel that way! Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don’t make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with the respect. This is an important point.
He may be restless, or always trying to prove something to the world or himself.
Some call it ‘hustle’ or ambition. Maybe he has grand ideas or entrepreneurial zeal up the wazoo. He wants to create something that will change the world. That’s wonderful, but in his case it may be a cover-up: a distraction from voices in his head. The voices that say, ‘you’re not enough’. He’s trying to create a life that will prove his worth.
He doesn’t want a life without you. His big dreams or grandiose desires get him out of his head. They give him hope that maybe one day, just maybe he will be able to like the man he is. After he does all this awesome stuff.
There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much? If we bothered to ask ourselves ‘why’ we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We’d stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.
To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, in this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say, ‘I love you for exactly who you are, right now’. Tell him he is enough.
The point isn’t to make him an aimless, lazy ass. It’s to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.
He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men.
My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (And yet I treated her awfully – aren’t men the greatest?)
If I felt threatened or not #1 importance in her life, I would start to lose my sh*t. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole. He filled it with you, and sprinkles in other things like vices and attention from others. When you threaten to leave them empty again they go crazy or become irrational.
He doesn’t want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, but it’s because he hates who he is. In effect it’s self-defense, your actions hurt him. It’s painful enough just being who he is – when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself … he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.
Nothing about this is okay. I’m only telling it like it is.
It can be near impossible to get him living ‘in the moment’.
Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school, or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.
Alternately, he’s living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can ‘be happy’. You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. Or making his family proud. He may seem to leave you out of his utopian vision of the future. But he probably just feels he’ll only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he’s unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he’s desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he’s ‘made it’. Problem: it’s never coming.
You love him exactly as he is, right? Tell him that right now.
True commitment scares the sh*t out of him – but not for the reason you think.
In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn’t know who the hell I was. The only parts of myself I knew were sh*t. I didn’t feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor.
I didn’t believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come. My feelings were ‘everything I touch turns to sh*t, so why would I waste her time? It’s doomed from the start, and I do not want to hurt her’.
No advice here, no matter what he’s going to give you the ‘deer in the headlights’ look. Knowing this may help you understand the complexity of a man. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.
He may enjoy seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship.
Sick, huh? Hate me if you want, I don’t care. I come in truth. This is a tough one to talk about. Self-esteem can get so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person go through hell for us, feel pain caused by us – can actually give us pride.
It’s a dose of the ‘I’m worthy’ drug … ‘Look at how this person goes crazy for me, I must be worthy’.
Enough said, it’s time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies hurt.
He adores you – but he needs to learn how to love himself.
Your guy has to learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.
If he only loves a certain part of himself like his looks, the rest of him will just go on undeveloped. In many ways I was like a child before. I avoided pain or sacrifice every chance I could, and I turned into a big man-child. If this is happening to your man, you must stop it right away.
In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He’ll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe. His love for himself. Stick in there, but develop a plan right away. Not only is he suffering, you are as well. Take action now. If he refuses to draw a line in the sand and change his life, it may be time to walk away.
2. Be Confident
Have you ever been out on a date with someone and they take self-deprecating humor to a whole other level? One or two comments, OK. But, soon, it seems their lack of confidence is apparent, and the more unconfident they seem, the more you’re not attracted to them. So being confident is another way to attract “The One” into your life. “Clothe yourself in confidence,” Pastor Roberts says. “The confidence that comes from becoming is extremely attractive. Never underestimate the effectiveness that the powerful glow of inner wholeness will have in your mission to find the right mate.” He also says this confidence exudes value and worth and “doesn’t have a hint of desperation in it.”
Wabuke Klein also believes that being confident about your value is key in attracting the right one for you. “Embrace your value,” she says. “When you recognize you have incredible worth and value, you will create standards of how you should be treated. Make decisions not to settle or lower your standards, and you will attract quality people who see the greatness in you and honor that.”
Author, speaker, and Bible teacher Ann White founded her global ministry, Courage for Life, during a crisis point in her marriage, she tells Bustle, and now she ministers to women at risk of spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse. She, too, recommends confidence as a way to attract “The One.”
“Confidence is contagious,” she says. “Continually renew your mind by refusing negative self-talk. Believe in yourself, love yourself, and take time to take care of yourself.” She also suggests showing your confidence by wearing a red shirt “or a lovely, bright shirt in a color that suits you best as a way to show that you’re living life fully — don’t shrink into the background with dark colors!”
3. Let Go Of What You *Don’t* Want
Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman, authors of The New Power Couple, speakers, ordained ministers, coaches, and angel investors, believe that if you want to attract “The One,” you need to stop paying attention to people you know are not “The One.” Everyone’s been there, right? You continue “hanging out” with someone you know there’s no long-term future with, either on your part or theirs. However, you could free up your time and be out there finding “the one” instead.
“First off, to *receive* what we do want, we have to *let go* of what we don’t desire,” the Freemans tell Bustle. “For example, if you desire to attract someone who is into personal growth and spiritual, then, when dating, you have to make space and stop giving your attention to what/who isn’t in alignment. It’s surprising how many of us are tempted to ‘settle’ for dates, or even keep dating someone, because we ‘wish’ we could rub off on them and they’ll change.” Sound familiar? “We’ve seen dozens of men and women attract their soulmate within weeks of when they stopped ‘settling’ or ‘tolerating’ dating experiences that were not a match for their values.”
4. Manifest The Person You Want
You may know which direction you’d like your life to go in: what type of career you want (now and in the future), where you want to live, when you’d like to get married, etc. When it comes to finding “The One,” Rabbi Bregman says clarifying your vision for the future applies there, too. “It’s vital that you have an overall picture of how you’d like for your life to unfold — financially, spiritually, lifestyle-wise, regarding your contribution to the world, whether or not to have children, etc.,” he says. “When this is in place, it serves as an irreplaceable ‘true north’ and helps clarify what you want. That way, you’ll be able to recognize ‘The One’ when you meet them, since their ‘true north’ will likely align with yours.”
On a similar note, Sean XLG Mitchell, ordained minister for the spiritual practice Seven, hip hop activist, and the author of several books, believes that you can attract “The One” by manifesting them.
“If and when a person becomes consciously aware of wanting to find ‘The One,’ their innate energy or natural being will attract that person into their life,” he tells Bustle. “In other words, all humans have the ability to manifest who and what they desire.”
Mitchell believes that something he calls “innergy” has to do with the people you attract. “Innergy is at the root of the human experience — thought plus emotion equals energy,” he says. “Before my wife and I met, she joined a prayer group in hopes of finding her ideal mate. She committed to praying every day for one year... we bumped into each other at her job during her 10th month, and we instantly hit it off. Believe it or not, we decided to get married on a whim and were standing at the justice of the peace on the last day of her one-year commitment. Two kids and 25 years later, we’re still happily married. If you’re looking for a life partner and you’re passionate about your commitment, then it’s not a question of if, but when.”
5. Look For Friendship First
You may be attracting “The One” without even realizing it. In other words, a friend of yours may turn out to be “The One,” yet neither of you were in the right place or right time before. For instance, this happened to Shannon Perry, an award-winning Christian author, popular speaker, and TV host of the weekly faith-based program Grace in High Heels. “We make attracting ‘The One’ complicated, but it doesn’t have to be,” she tells Bustle. “As someone who married later in life, I speak from experience. I met my ‘One’ 14 years before we married. We were friendly and he asked me out numerous times, but because I was his child’s teacher, I always said ‘No.’ I had a policy that I didn’t date dads from my class. Fourteen years later when I was engaged to another guy, I briefly ran across that dad again. During that same month, suddenly and without warning, my fiancé ended our engagement — ‘the wrong one’ leaving brought in ‘the right one.’ That ‘dad’ and I have now been married 14 years... Be diligent as you observe those who cross your path.”
Similarly, you may have feelings for an acquaintance or someone you just met, but being friends first — and just friends —may be a good way to gauge if you and the person would be a good romantic match, too. Chris Smith of Love of Christ Ministries, and author of Sabbath Day, suggests going this route. “I believe that the way to attract ‘The One’ into your life is to not be in a rush or hurry to find them,” he tells Bustle. “If you meet someone that you have feelings for in your heart, get to know [them] as your friend first — this will let you know if you would like to spend the rest of your life with [them]” Aside from getting to know each other, Smith says this will also prevent you from rushing into anything and “will give you the peace and patience to really get to know each other, and to care for one another without any commitments or strings attached.”
White, too, believes a friend could turn out to be the right one for you and suggests enlarging your circle of friends, both in-person and online. I agree, especially with all the groups out there, like Meetup.com, where you can find people with common interests. “Don’t be afraid to join a reputable online dating site,” White says. “Invite close friends to help you complete your profile and ask them to encourage you as you carefully consider communicating with single people who share your same interests and deeply held convictions.”
6. Know Your Dealbreakers (And Stick To Them)
When it comes to dating and relationships, everyone has dealbreakers — or should. “If you don’t like smokers, don’t think you will make someone stop smoking when you get married,” Perry says. “If they are unfaithful when you’re dating, know that they can cry while they lie. In other words, patterns of bad behavior are often repeated until we recover from them, and it is not your job to fix anyone.” I know — it’s easy to fall into this trap sometimes, but it’s also possible *not* to and attract someone without your dealbreakers.
“Being a ‘fixer’ is costly,” Perry says. “See them as they are and don’t compromise your values or integrity. Date long enough to see your partner in every situation, and when they exhibit behavior that is one of your dealbreakers, believe them — they are showing you who they are.”
7. Be Outgoing
When you’re out and about, are you attracted to someone who seems outgoing, or in the corner of the room alone? Not to say that the person needs to be the center of attention, but it helps if you can notice their personality right away. “The first seven seconds and the last seven seconds are the most important part of any conversation, so be outgoing,” White says. “We were created for relationships and communication, so don’t be afraid to start a conversation. Remember: smile, make eye contact, and let someone know you’re interested in what they have to say.”
8. Be Humble
As much as being confident is important when it comes to attracting a good match, it’s also important to be humble. “Work on humbling yourself, and learn how to admit when you’re wrong or made a mistake,” Rabbi Bregman says. “Nobody on this planet is perfect. When it comes to couples and their communication, the most successful, dynamic couples have no difficulty admitting when they’re wrong and fell short of treating their significant other properly, so it’s good to develop the humble muscle NOW, when single, too. That way, depending on the extent to which one does so, it becomes easier to attract a super high-quality mate.”
9. Trust You Will Meet “The One”
When it comes to meeting someone special, perhaps your family and friends say you’ll know it when it happens. And, in that regard, a big part of eventually meeting your soulmate has to do with trusting that it *will* happen.
If you’re into positive affirmations and manifesting (see #4), having confidence that it will happen may come naturally to you. “Putting our trust in something we can’t see can be difficult, but it’s key,” Perry says. “Every circumstance and person who moves in and out of our lives brings ‘The One’ closer to us. What’s our part? First, we relinquish control. When we’re trying to find ‘The One’ on our own, desperation or loneliness can land us with the ‘wrong’ one.”
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, licensed clinical professional counselor and a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist who also founded The Marriage Restoration Project with his wife, also suggests trusting the process instead of trying to control it. “When we try to control the process, we can’t attract what we want in life,” he says. “Instead of limiting what we want or what we are looking for, we let things happen and become open to the possibilities. This type of attitude allows for everything to work out just the way we need. Too many singles have such defined expectations that they miss out on opportunities that are right in front of them.”
I don’t know about you, but after reading all of the above tips on ways to attract “The One,” I’m definitely game to test them out.
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